January 28, 2004 WTF Week, Day 3 Good morning/afternoon/evening/whatever! Did you all enjoy yesterday's guest article? Me too! Well, I haven't actually read it, but I'm sure it was quite spectacular. I'm sure you all have been up all night anticipating the next installment of WTF Week, and I don't want to keep you waiting too much longer, but I'd just like to share with you some of the incredible responses that I've already gotten since Monday. Let's take a look: To: [email protected] Subject: WTF WEEK RULES!!! Hey Meathead, this is the coolest thing you've ever done. I think you should make 2004 WTF Year and do this every day. Thanks for making this week so incredibly awesome! To: [email protected] Subject: fucking awesome Wow, your website used to suck, but lately it's been cool as hell!! I've been reading these guest submissions at least 50 times a day, and they get funnier each time! I don't even care about NIN anymore, but you make me wish I did!!! To: [email protected] Subject: WTF! Holy shit I just about crapped my pants from laughing so hard. Why havent you done this sooner?? Youre still gonna do another WTF Week next week right?? Right now the guest articles are the only thing in my life worth looking forward to.... To: [email protected] Subject: Sorry! You know, I was just about to have Rob update the website with info on the new record, but if that means WTF Week will be cancelled, I guess I can put it off for a while. Screw Bleedthrough, I'd hate to miss out on more of these totally hilarious articles! Rock on! As you can see, WTF Week has been insanely popular. I actually thought the idea was kind of stupid at first, especially the idea of stretching this out over the span of an entire week. I thought "nobody will like this, everyone will just bitch and complain and question the existence of a just God." But now I realize I was wrong. So, so wrong. Anyway, I've written enough for now. On with the show! 
Meathead, you fucker, it's me, Trent. I figured I'd
take a stab at writing a Perspective since, well, I've
got nothing better to do. As you've probably realized
by now, I, Trent Reznor, have no real album...in fact,
my whole career has been a ruse. The carefully placed
"Bleedthrough" rumors have been calculated
distractions to divert attention away from the fact
that I have defected from the US and am in hiding,
somewhere that I cannot name, but, let's just say that
it's ungodly frigid in here, like a frozen version of
my own private hell. No, I'm not talking about the
cold, sterile and sickening world of the nin.com
dboards, nor am I referring to Canada, or my own
lonely bed, for that matter. I am referring to...oh,
wait, I forgot, I'm not allowed to divulge that,
right. Anyway, I am in hiding, in extreme fear for my
life because I know that, when my legions of extremely
obsessive...I mean, concerned and loyal fans, realize
that Nine Inch Nails never really existed, and that
there will never again be a NIN tour, per se,
(especially not one involving Trent Reznor, Toni
Basil, and Hans "Fingers" Staffansdotter) they will be
extremely fucking pissed. When they find out that I am
not living up to what I'm supposed to be (I love those
lyrics) they will hunt me down, string me up and
possibly cut off my hands...and that is a best case
scenario, I'm a smart cookie, I know. I want to say
that the reason I have decided to discontinue my music
(if you want to call it that) is because, well, I
never really had a musical career to begin with...it's
all been a lie...I never actually wrote a single lyric
for any of my previous albums, hell, I can't even
really play the guitar; this whole thing, the past 15
years, have been complete Milli Vanilli bullshit.
Don't say I didn't warn you though. In fact, I felt so
horrible about the scheme that I forced my songwriter
to add hints to his works...remember these lines? "for
all I aspire, I am really a liar, and I'm running out
of things I can do," and don't forget the
ever-popular, "I play a game, it's called
insincerity," well, it's true. Trent Reznor is a scam
and the driving force behind NIN is really, Danny
Lohner, Eddie Vedder and a whole whack of synths and
macs (for those of you who aren't so tech savvy, those
are shorthands for synthesizers and Macintosh
computers). My name isn't even Trent Reznor, ha...it's
actually Trevor Reznik and that Machinist movie is my
real biography. I can't sing a goddamn note, I'm
actually deaf in one ear because of the constant drone
of the lathing, and the other one seems to be
following in it's earsteps (ha, ha...nevermind). I can
barely hear a fucking word that anyone says, let alone
sing. If people are wondering why that movie gives
them a creepy sorta feeling, it's because it hides the
truth, in plain sight, Trentvor Reznorik, Lathing King
extraordinaire. Believe it or not, I just don't care
anymore, that is why I feel I must write this to you.
The past couple of years, my conscience has really
been riding my ass, "Trevor, you liar, Trevor you need
to come clean, Trevor you misleading piece of shit, I
thought you did not want this, how could you do this
to your fans?" so I devised a plan to purify myself,
because we all know that a lie of this proportion
would damn me to the ninth circle of hell, and I sure
as fuck don't want to be stuck down there with Rob,
Fab and fat Freddie (no, Fred Durst unfortunately
isn't lip syncing, but that's why he'll be there). My
plan was this, to slowly reveal my terrible lie. I
began with those obscure images on nin.com, remember
these little keys: -there is a slight problem here -time and causality paradoxes -to let understanding stop at what cannot be understood is a high attainment. Those who cannot do it will be destroyed on the lathe of heaven -the stuff about daydreams -the binary...ones and zeroes (the zeroes being me, nothing...get it?) Yeah, you're seeing the real picture now, aren't you? Remember that whole "Lathe of Heaven" thing, the Mannie Ahrens perpetration, and the, "I'm on the other side" bullshit. See, don't say I didn't try to warn you. 
I am not Trent, there is no Trent, I am Trevor...I
have been systematically killing Trent, slowly but
surely fading him out, in much the same way that John
Malm Jr. has been faded out...FYI, he doesn't exist
either, that's actually the real name of my dog "Daisy
May." The fading on nin.com makes much more sense now,
doesn't it? But, you may be wondering what exactly is
to come for "NIN"...the old adage "out with the old
and in with the new" holds true in this case. My most
recent AP article contained the quote, "that person
isn't here anymore" and I want to explain this in some
depth, because I feel my psychotic...I mean, loving
fans, deserve to hear it. That Trent person isn't here
anymore because, as you now know, he never really was,
instead, he will be replaced by...are you ready for
this?...Trevor Reznik! I have decided to quit my
machinist job and actually take charge of NIN, for the
first time in my miserable life. I was losing so much
sleep over my treachery and now I've decided to make
it up to me, and to everyone else, by actually
writing, singing and playing, myself. That is why I
was also quoted as saying, "the record explores loss
and possible discovery of self"...out with Reznor, my
dead friend and the blurred lines, in with Reznik and
the new shit. I have discovered my true musical
potential...but, that is also why I am in hiding right
now. The album is indeed finished and it sounds "much
more stripped down and raw than 'The Fragile.' It's
like the antithesis of the last record, it's much more
immediate, direct and aggressive," because it's
actually my first real work since, well, ever. Direct,
antithesis, get it? Back to my fear though; because of
the new sound of this album and my years of misleading
acting, I am not so sure how the fans will react,
especially since their Trent god is dead, hence
Myriam's brilliant AP photo. So, until I can read this
situation more clearly, I will wait here, in this
place which cannot be named, until I have proof
undeniable that I will not be lynched for this grand
scheme. 
I want to offer my sincerest apologies to all those
who I have betrayed and ask for forgiveness. It is my
hope that this album will be given a fair chance since
it is, my virginal debut. If forgiveness is not an
option then...well, I'll just have to kill myself. My
pretty-boy good looks and my superb method acting
abilities got me this gig, now I'm hoping to glide
along with my actual talent.
There, you know it all, but, don't discount the fact that this could also be a massive load of steaming bullshit. Gotta go now, that sweet sexy bitch, FFXI, is calling my name. - TR P.S. Oh yeah, I forgot, Trevor Reznik apologizes to no one...what was I thinking? If they don't like the new album, they can suck my balls. -TR
|
The RSS That Feeds