September 1, 2003 Trent Speaks! 
I know we've all been on the edge of our seats waiting for word from Trent Reznor and/or anybody else about the goings-on on nin.com and the next Nine Inch Nails album. It's been a long wait with absolutely no hints whatsoever from anyone about any single thing regarding the new album. However, as you all know, I have a lot of clout with the NIN crew, and was finally able to secure an exclusive interview with the man himself! No, I'm not talking about John Candy. He's dead. I was talking about Trent Reznor. Jesus, what the hell is wrong with you? What the fuck does John Candy have to do with Nine Inch Nails anyway? Man, I wonder about you sometimes. Come on, pay attention.Anyway, as I was saying before you rudely interrupted me, I scored an exclusive interview with Trent because I'm a lot cooler than you are. So screw you, Rolling Stone, Spin, and Hit Parader. You're just going to have to accept the fact that I beat you to the punch. Jerkholes. Let's proceed to the interview, shall we? MEATHEAD: Thanks again for agreeing to do this interview. I don't doubt that you're a very busy man. TRENT REZNOR: My sources say yes. MH: Okay. So let's talk about this new record. Can you tell us what the title will be? TR: That's a secret. MH: Okay. What about a projected release date? TR: Can't predict now. MH: Is that just another secret that you won't tell me? TR: My sources say yes. MH: Will we get to hear any new material from you before the year's end? TR: Not a chance. MH: Not even just a clip or two? TR: Don't count on it. MH: Okay. Well, let's talk about the website. You are willing to talk about that, I hope. TR: Yes. MH: What's the deal with the website? Can you tell me what that "Lathe of Heaven" mumbo-jumbo was all about? TR: Not a chance. MH: Could you tell me what's up with the fading background? TR: Not a chance. MH: That's great. Let's go back to the new album, then. There is a new album, right? TR: My sources say yes. MH: Who the hell are your "sources," anyway? TR: That's a secret. MH: Everything's a secret with you, isn't it? TR: Yes. MH: Tell us a little bit about the direction you're taking with this new record. You've said that it's going to be more "stripped down" and "brutal." TR: Yes. MH: Could you indulge us and tell us a little bit more about that? TR: No. MH: Come on. What's the point of even doing this interview if you won't give out any information? TR: Can't predict now. MH: Man, what the fuck. Why are you being such a dick? TR: Can't predict now. MH: Fuck this. I'm leaving. Fucking piece of shit. TR: My sources say yes.
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